Hyperallergic’s horoscopes offer astrological advice for artists and art types, in art terms, every month.
Gemini (May 22–June 21)
What do you think of people who sketch strangers on the subway? We can’t make up our minds; it’s kind of creepy, like the artsy equivalent of leering at strangers (or worse), but then again, who are we to judge these plein air artists of the urban underground, these mass transit Matisses furiously sketching in their notebooks? Either way, Gemini, you should follow their lead and be extremely observant this month. You stand to gain a great deal, both in love and in business, by being very attentive to those around you.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
You look tense, Cancer, and this month is only going to make things worse as you’ll have to work very hard just to maintain your current romantic and professional situations. In light of all that stress, you’re going to need a way to blow off steam and stay fit, and we’ve got just the thing: the Chris Burden Workout. Someone stole your favorite coffee mug at the office? Don’t fret, crawl across broken glass! Your boss keeps passing you over for a promotion? Don’t get mad, get him to nail you to the roof of a car! Your lover turns up for a date 45 minutes late? Don’t take it out on her, have her shoot you in the arm! You’d be amazed how much calmer reenacting the late, great performance artist’s oeuvre can make you.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Now would be a good time to pull back, Leo, and take stock of where your career is headed. Consider this your Philip Guston moment: Do you want to go on making today’s equivalent of generic abstract expressionist, surrealist, and social realist paintings? Why continue puling your hair out working through the terms of tired genres and subjects? Wouldn’t you rather be pioneering some strange and unmistakable new style, the creepy-pink-and-red-cartoon-figures-and-objects look for 2015? This is the ideal time to develop that distinctive thing to make your own.
Virgo (August 23–September 23)
Who is your preferred painter of sickly sweet confectionery, Virgo? Are you more of a Will Cotton, pillowy cakes and cotton candy clouds type? Or do Wayne Thiebaud‘s neatly framed and nostalgic treats set your mouth to watering? Whichever you favor, we recommend picturing his work this month as you will have no choice but to consume slice after slice of humble pie. Your friends, coworkers, and loved ones have just about had it with your oversize ego, and it turns out you might be terrible at your job! But play it cool, apologize profusely, and you just might be able to eat your way through to July.
Libra (September 24–October 23)
Life, Libra, is just like Peter Fischli and David Weiss’s “The Way Things Go.” We’re constantly bumping into each other, knocking things over, setting them on fire, dousing them in foam, and generally bumbling our way through a series of unrelated events. But every so often the universe’s invisible choreography becomes incredibly clear, a balloon knocks over a bottle that topples a chair that tips over some liquid nitrogen that knocks over a two-by-four, and magic happens. This month, if you seize the moment, you can make magic. You might also hit it off with a long-term collaborator and find the Fischli to your Weiss.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22)
Your partner will drive you crazy this month — just be patient, watch what you say, and he’ll eventually come to his senses — so best to focus on the professional front, Scorpio. Around the beginning of the month you will suddenly realize that you’re capable of much better and more ambitious work. You know what that means: we want to see you all over Bushwick Open Studios. Put together a pop-up show, open your studio, rent another space for the weekend and open that up too, make some street art and take over every available surface. You’re poised to take your work to the next level, you just need the right launchpad.
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21)
Did you see Kehinde Wiley’s take on “Judith Beheading Holofernes” in his recent Brooklyn Museum show, Sagittarius? We’re usually underwhelmed by his paintings of women, but that one — in which a black woman in a striking navy blue dress brandishes a massive dagger in one hand and the decapitated head of a white woman in the other — is just fantastic. We mention it because you’re about to go through a ruthless professional duel, and so long as you act honestly, decisively, and tenaciously, you will emerge as Judith. But if you fight dirty, hesitate, or show weakness, you’ll end up like Holofernes.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
You’re in the enviable position of having to choose between two generally positive courses of action this month, Capricorn: either undertake several different projects, all of which will be successful; or take on one project and absolutely kill it. Ponder those options a little longer and the wiser choice will emerge. If multi-project ubiquity seems appealing, consider the artists who’ve recently saturated the airwaves with synergistic art blitzes — your Jeff Koonses, James Turrells, and Yayoi Kusamas. Is that really the type of artist you want to be? That’s what we thought — bring on the Louis Vuitton collaborations, selfie-baiting installations, and shiny public art commissions!
Aquarius (January 21–February 19)
How are you feeling, Aquarius? Are you still painting with toxic chemicals? Have you done any especially grueling performance pieces lately? Is lead your favorite sculptural medium? The stars are telling us that this is a good time to tend to any longstanding injuries, medical conditions, or other health problems, so a visit to the doctor and reevaluation of your studio practice may be in order. Failing that, why not incorporate your ailments into your art? Frida Kahlo‘s renderings of her chronic pain are among the most visceral and affecting works made in the last century. (That said, if you were in a trolley crash, you should really get that checked out.)
Pisces (February 20–March 20)
If it seems like everyone is trying to beat you down, sabotage your plans, and screw you over this month, Pisces, it’s because they are. Yes, you will spend most of June navigating the professional equivalent of a Sue Williams painting, where every orifice seems poised to either swallow you up or douse you in some icky substance, unruly phalluses run amok, and every inch of the picture plane is shrouded in noxious-looking gases. It’s going to get so bleak that your best strategy is to play dead. So hold your breath, pack a poncho, and see you in July!
Aries (March 21–April 20)
Now’s your chance, Aries, to throw the party of a lifetime. Send out invites soon, because summer social calendars are often cluttered — so many benefit galas! #FirstWorldProblems — and the stars are very specific on this matter: plan a special event for June 21, 22, or 23, and it will be a life-altering success. But what should it be? An all-night, Abramovićian nude crystal-hugging party? An art historical costume ball for all your Georgia O’Keeffe and Vincent van Gogh look-alike friends? An art fair-themed extravaganza in which every “booth” is its own thematic mini-party — with spotty Kusama-style cocktails in the David Zwirner booth, a giant round mirror (à la Kapoor) in the Lisson Gallery booth, Koonsian balloon animals in the Gagosian booth, and Cindy Sherman-style costumes and photo booth chez Metro Pictures? Whatever you decide to do, do it big, and your rewards will be proportionately great.
Taurus (April 21–May 21)
Things have been quiet lately on the professional front, a little too quiet. A fight is coming, and you have the element of surprise on your side, so strike first. Is someone making work much too similar to yours? Time to put them in their place by kicking your practice up a notch. Are you jockeying for representation at the gallery of your dreams? Set up a studio visit, pull some all-nighters, and claim what’s yours. Let’s put it this way: We’re not telling you to break into your arch nemesis’s studio and smash all his work, but we’re also not telling you not to do that. All’s fair in art and war, Taurus.
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