The figure of Justice in Raphael’s “Stanza della Segnatura” in the Palace of the Vatican (image via Wikimedia)
Hyperallergic’s horoscopes offer astrological advice for artists and art types, in art terms, every month.
Libra (September 24–October 23)
Six years later, one of the most memorable pieces from the New Museum’s first Triennial remains Chu Yun‘s “This is XX” (2006), which consisted of a woman fast asleep in a bed in the middle of the gallery. We felt so bad for the performers, lying there amid all the shiny art, counting sheep while they could have been taking in nearby works by LaToya Ruby Frazier, Cyprien Gaillard, Cao Fei, and others. Learn from their mistakes, Libra — wake up! This month will be hell if you keep being a lazy bum.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22)
Can you imagine the tension in the room at Filmstudio Amsterdam on that day in 1980 when Marina Abramović and Frank Uwe Laysiepen (aka Ulay) stood a few feet apart while holding a drawn bow and arrow between them, its point aimed directly at Abramović’s heart? Those must have been four of the most intense minutes the two performance artists — who are by no means strangers to tension — ever lived through. Are you ready for a couple weeks of that, Scorpio? Something life-alteringly big will happen to you in October. It may be good or it may be bad, but it is definitely coming.
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21)
Ordinarily it is considered bad auction etiquette to “steamroll” — ie. keeping your paddle raised to make successive bids on an artwork — but you have carte blanche to steamroll your way through October, Sagittarius. The stars are very much in your favor this month, both in terms of business and romance, but your success depends entirely on your ability to act quickly and decisively. See something you want? That’s a paddling!
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
Are you enjoying the calm before the storm, Capricorn? No, we’re not talking about Hurricane Joaquin. Around October 10 things are going to get very turbulent for you, both in work and in love, but you’ll get through it all so long as you spend the days before in very honest self-examination. Maybe it’s time to pull a Baldessari, torch all your unsold works, and start fresh. It will make for a great anecdote one day when some museum mounts a survey of the work you made after the purge.
Aquarius (January 21–February 19)
Modern art history is full of figures and developments that came along and radically altered the evolution of aesthetics — Marcel Duchamp and his readymades or Piet Mondrian’s neoplasticism are among the most obvious examples. You should prepare to have your romantic life dramatically upturned this month, Aquarius, when an avant-garde admirer arrives on the scene and makes you question the current state of all your relationships. Will you run off to join the cutting edge of contemporary romance, or will your commitment to tradition keep you grounded? There is no correct answer — other than what your conscience dictates.
Pisces (February 20–March 20)
The stars are uncharacteristically clear on this point, Pisces: now would be a great time to have an affair. Yes, really, cheating on your loved one is an astrologically sound proposition in October, it seems, but since we are wont to wholeheartedly endorse deception we recommend you act on this opportunity by indulging in some “aesthetic adultery” instead. If you’re a painter, cheat on your canvases and paintbrushes with a camera; if you deal in ephemeral performance art, have a fling with the permanence of steel or bronze. Not only is this course of action less likely to backfire on you than outright cheating, it will also give some lucky curator a forgotten chapter in your oeuvre to rediscover when it comes time for your posthumous retrospective — everyone wins! And, more importantly, nobody gets cheated on.
Aries (March 21–April 20)
Is there anything more dissatisfying and annoying than that genre of contemporary art that looks deliberately half-finished? That was a rhetorical question — there is truly nothing worse. We’re talking to the B. Wurtzes and Josh Smiths of the world: your calculated crappiness impresses no one! Don’t be taken in by their trendiness, Aries; doing things halfway will only doom you to failure and ridicule this month.
Taurus (April 21–May 21)
It’s time for you — if you’ll pardon the bovine idiom — to take the bull by the horns. You have until the new moon on October 13 to do something to spice up your relationship or face imminent bachelordom. Might we recommend, to keep with the theme, some bull-on-bullfighter role play? If Hemingway and Picasso taught us anything it’s that bullfighting scenes and stories have a powerful erotic charge. Single Tauruses might consider donning a muleta and sword in their next Tinder profile pictures.
Gemini (May 22–June 21)
Quick, Gemini, fuck/marry/kill: Brancusi, Giacometti, Calder. Well? Well?! That was too slow. (And come on, seriously, you’d marry Calder?) You’re going to be faced with some difficult choices between generally positive options this month, but if you hesitate the situation could turn to your disadvantage in an instant. With that in mind, let’s try this again. Fuck/marry/kill: Flavin, Judd, LeWitt. Much better — and yes, clearly, marrying LeWitt was the correct choice.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
Surprise can be a very powerful tool for a curator, Cancer. We’re thinking, for instance, of the amazing abstract painting by Georgia O’Keeffe, “Black and White” (1930), which was included in the Whitney Museum’s inaugural exhibition in its new building, America Is Hard to See. We did not see that coming and would never have guessed, were it not for the wall text, that it was hers. Sometimes, though, surprises don’t turn out so well, and this happens to be a month when any sneaky plans you may be hatching are doomed to turn sour. So keep everything above board for now — until November 1 all your O’Keeffes should have either suggestive flower petals or suspended animal skulls.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
How do you think all those über-wealthy mega-dealers feel? After enjoying exclusive regional representation of one of their star artists for decades, a competitor from another country opens an outpost in town and boom, suddenly they’re both showing brand new works by the same art star in the same city. What’s an über-wealthy mega-dealer to do? Well, for one thing, don’t be petty. This month, Leo, try to work in league with those who are ostensibly your competitors; you will all benefit from a little teamwork.
Virgo (August 23–September 23)
Look, Virgo, we know you’ve been working with great diligence on this big project — your very prominent public art piece, high-stakes grant application, MFA program portfolio, etc. — for ages, but take our word for it: now is not the time to push it through to completion. The stars are not in your favor and, worse still, one of your former colleagues is plotting a sneak attack. Stay sharp, lest he sabotage your ambitions. Don’t wind up being the King Robbo to the next Banksy.
