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Today is the day! You may have been praying your whole life for this moment and it has finally arrived. Now what? The anticipation may be getting to you but we suggest a few things you might want to try before you get whisked away to the bosom of God. Here are our top five.
A bloody tea set party!
Buzzfeed suggests that the Rapture will take place at 6pm EST (it is EST, isn’t it?!?!), so there’s nothing better than a high tea before you go. We suggest Antonio Murado’s Salome set because nothing says “end of the world” like blood-smeared ceramic. Perhaps you should serve a red tea, we suggest African Rooibos.
To augment your experience with your guests — we assume you aren’t being Raptured solo — may we suggest that your guests hang their coats on TC Studio’s Knife Hooks or Shuriken Ninja Star Hooks … cuz they’re campy! Oh wait, if you know what camp means you’re probably not going to be Raptured … nevermind.
Location, Location, Location!
Ok, you’re ready to go but honestly, nothing makes us more irritated than not knowing where we’ll be staying. We suggest you take a look at Hieronymus Bosch’s “The Garden of Earthly Delights” (c. 1450-1516) and figure out where you want to pitch your tent when you get there. We have our own sights set on that patch of green near the bottom of the middle panel where there’s a guy placing flowers in another guy’s ass. We’re not sure why but it seems like a good spot for a picnic.
Don’t forget to update your Facebook page!
We think it’s only polite to let people know what you’re up to and we don’t think being Raptured is an excuse for ignoring your friends. For those of who think you’ll be left behind, may we suggest updating your profile pic with Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” (1893) and prepare for what we were all promised in the popular Christian “end times” Left Behind series. If you’re sure that you’ll make the cut, how about René Magritte’s “Golconda” (1953) — and you probably thought those guys were raining down not moving on up. For those who are undecided, may we suggest Albrecht Dürer’s “Melencolia I” (1514).
Know the Terrain!
Apocalypse … yadda, yadda, yadda … at least you should know what terrain to expect when the earth opens up, so we suggest hanging out around Doris Salcedo’s “Shibboleth” (2007), which was a temporary 167-metre-long crack created for the Turbine Hall at the Tate Modern.
Salcedo said it was supposed to represent “borders, the experience of immigrants, the experience of segregation, the experience of racial hatred.” But we know that she was really thinking … RAPTURE!
So, 6pm comes along and nothing happens. No earthquakes, no thunderclouds and no one disappears. Sucks, right? What do you do?
We’ve got your solution … Martin Puryear’s “Ladder for Booker T Washington” (1996). You’ve heard of Jacob’s Ladder perhaps? Well, this is the real thing, baby. Start climbing and let us know where you end up, we’ll be playing with your Murado tea set.