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A mountain goat looks over a historical scene in a mural in Boulder, Colorado (photo by Jay Galvin/Flickr)

Capricorn (December 22–January 20)

You will not get gallery representation this month, Capricorn, and not because your work isn’t strong; in fact, your work is too strong — pessimists call it unsalable, idealists call it uncommodifiable. Your options have never been clearer: dumb it down to cash in or stay high-minded and frugal. This year, previously complicated life decisions will appear as difficult, stark, either/or choices. Do you want to be the next Wade Guyton or the next Tyree Guyton?

Aquarius (January 21–February 19)

How many studio assistants do you have, Aquarius? None, really? Gosh, sorry. It’s just that … Well, you’re going to have a lot of opportunities this year, but if you don’t have an army of drill-wielding assistants close at hand like Ursula von Rydingsvard, you’re going to miss out on those lucrative projects. Then again, sometimes missing out on a major commission just means avoiding lots of headaches.

Pisces (February 20–March 20)

Artists designing mini golf holes, obstacles, and courses is so 2016, Pisces. We used our crystal balloon dog to look into the future, and we have four words for you: artist-designed laser tag. Get on it!

Aries (March 21–April 20)

In her book String, Felt, Thread: The Hierarchy of Art and Craft in American Art, Elissa Auther makes the case that while the stigma against artists trying their hands at crafts or delving headlong into historically denigrated mediums like weaving or pottery has dissipated in recent decades, it remains very difficult for artists working primarily in crafts to cross over into the field of fine art. This year, Aries, try to be more mindful of the ingrained biases and prejudices of which you are a victim, as well as those from which you benefit.

Taurus (April 21–May 21)

On New Year’s Eve, we were in a south Brooklyn bar — whose name we shan’t share, so as to not affect its business — and, against our better and severely impaired judgment, we ordered a round of shots of Vincent van Gogh–branded absinthe. The bottle featured the following quote, cribbed from one of his letters to his brother, Theo: “After that, the only thing to bring ease and distraction, in my case and other people’s too, is to stun oneself with a lot of drinking.” Be careful what you say in your public and private correspondence this year, Taurus; your words are liable to end up on some questionable products one day.

Gemini (May 22–June 21)

Your 2017 is going to start off strong, Gemini, with positive developments in both your professional and romantic spheres, but as you take advantage of those opportunities, don’t forget to pace yourself. This year is going to be taxing, and not only because of President Donald Trump — the next 12 months feature an exceptional alignment of major biennials on just about every continent, from Venice, Istanbul, Lyon, and Documenta to Sharjah, Karachi, Yokohama, Honolulu, New Orleans, the Whitney, and even Antarctica.

Cancer (June 22–July 22)

You know what bothers us about Maurizio Cattelan? It’s not that his humor tends toward the infantile — we have no problem with that at all — but rather how he panders to his audience. His sculptural jokes seem tailored to provoke knowing chuckles from smug museum- and gallery-goers, but don’t challenge or unsettle them in any way. You’re going to encounter a good deal of self-invested, ego-stroking types in your professional life this year, Cancer. Keep your critical wits about you.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Two things, Leo. First, business is going to be slow at the beginning of the year, but by springtime, your work situation will become optimal for launching new projects, and we have a proposition for you: a subscription service whereby buyers receive a small, new work every day of the year — sort of like a desk calendar, but with original art. Second, your romantic situation is extremely advantageous right now, with plentiful opportunities for promiscuity and something new every day — kind of like our art subscription program!

Virgo (August 23–September 23)

There’s no romance without finance according to Gwen Guthrie, but your current astrological outlook suggests otherwise, Virgo. While seemingly promising professional prospects will prove disappointing this month, you will have opportunities for fleeting romantic entanglements with zero negative or long-term consequences. Your January will basically be the exact opposite of Andrea Fraser’s sex-for-money-as-art conceptual project “Untitled” (2003).

Libra (September 24–October 23)

You have some tough professional decisions to make this month, Libra: do you stay or do you go, and if the latter, where to? Complicating things is the fact that no matter how many friends and colleagues tell you it’s a win-win situation, there is most certainly a losing option. So whatever move you’re making — switching galleries, applying for grants and residencies, relocating your studio, contemplating an MFA, etc. — consider the consequences carefully. Try making a list of pros and cons; who knows, you might end up turning it into an artwork some day, like William Powhida.

Scorpio (October 24–November 22)

There’s a beautiful landscape painting that has hung over the sideboard in our mother’s living room for ages, and we have long suspected it might be worth something. It’s a nicely composed Mediterranean seascape glimpsed through a small valley, with strong geometric elements and very sure paint application. We’ve put off taking it to get appraised for years, but if we, like you, were Scorpios, we’d call up an expert and get an appointment soon, because this is a month for tackling long-deferred tasks. Who knows, you could wind up on Antiques Roadshow.

Sagittarius (November 23–December 21)

Ladies and gentlemen, we currently have a leading bid of $210,000 for the large Mickalene Thomas reclining figure painting, going once, going — yes? We now have $220,000 from the Sagittarius currently reading this horoscope. Will anyone give us $230,000 for this wonderful picture? Yes, $230,000 to the telephone bidder, thank you. Sagittarius reader, the next bid goes to you — $240,00 for this scintillating mixed-media work. You have a little bit of time to ponder important business decisions this month, but not much.

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