With the dawn of the New Aesthetic upon us, survival in this brave new world is paramount. We must be vigilant and protect ourselves as we venture through an era without precedent! The danger of viewing the world through a digital lens is that we tend to forget our bodies are still, for now, made of fragile organic parts. We must also be wary of digital encroachment by unseen forces, like deadly wifi-waves and facial recognition cameras on every corner. What follows is a brief guide to staying alive in the 21st century. Good luck.

Btw, if you’re attending tonight’s New Aesthetic “death match” at Flux Factory in Long Island City, Queens, then you may want to pick some of these things up on the way.

German artist Martin Backes has devised the perfect solution to protecting your privacy in a public sphere where everyone has a camera in their pocket. Backes’ “Pixelhead” is a piece of satin fabric with a printout of a pixelated face: Germany’s Secretary of the Interior, Thomas de Maizière. You might turn heads while walking down the sidewalk with this thing on, but you can feel at peace knowing any pictures taken by your onlookers will not register with Facebook’s facial recognition database.

After countless hours in front of a computer screen, your eyes might feel need a rest, or you could just take these drops and go back to watching GIFs pain free!

YouTube video

For the “hardcore computer user,” GUNNAR Advanced Computer Eyewear offers specially tinted glasses that promise to “improve visual endurance” and “maximize every minute… in front of a screen.” The YouTube video (posted above) is certainly convincing, but a major problem with these glasses is that the yellow tint of the lens will throw off the precise calibration of your color-corrected monitor. Why must artists always suffer?!

The iClubby workstation, priced at $7,000, puts the typical office workspace to shame. How can you possibly interact with the world wide web if your desk hardly resembles the Matrix? The iClubby features ergonomic seating, light and temperature controls, and surround sound. It’s an attractive solution for those who feel the need to be fully immersed in the virtual world. With your feet off the floor, there’s nothing left grounding you to the boring limitations of physical reality.

For only $42.95! you can buy the Digital Drop Crystal Pendant, a 1/2” to 1” Brazilian crystal that supposedly “shields from Digital Frequencies!” The description advises “wear the Crystal in the middle of the body to be picked up by the vortex energies.” You can never be too safe when wifi is everywhere.

Robert Cicetti

※Find me on Foursquare. Twitter: @iberob. Instagram: @iberob.

One reply on “Just Arrived! Your New Aesthetic Survival Guide”

  1. Artsy types are easily amused, arent you? Your iclubby looks more like the gas free vehicle where you stick a handle up your asz for no reason on Southpark
    You are always an hour late and a pound short. So much for “creativity”.

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