The art of money laundering.

The art world is always looking for new ways to engage consumers. Today, the legacy auction house Christie’s announced the launch of a new platform that allows real-time viewing of money being laundered.

“Like art, criminal money laundering can be abstract at times,” said a representative from Christie’s. “This new streaming service really lets the viewer get involved!”

As we all know from the documentary series Breaking Bad, ill-gotten gains amount to only so much stackable paper if you can’t move them through legitimate systems of commerce. In the past, this meant creating nesting-doll structures of false businesses, shady accountants, and clandestine money-mule operations involving suitcases, fat suits, and private jets.

“It’s wild what technology has allowed us to do,” commented one non-taxpaying billionaire, who used voice-distorting software during a phone interview with Hyperallergic. “For the cost of a single painting, I can move what it used to take me three front businesses to clear. Then, the painting can shred at the auction and somehow be worth more! What a racket!”

White-collar criminals everywhere are toasting Christie’s as “the greatest of all time” and “total scammers” — but some worry that this new level of radical visibility will affect other activities reserved for the criminally wealthy. And it might be true! ABC has already announced plans for a new Survivor-style reality TV series that takes place on the remote island where the ultra-rich go to hunt human targets.

“It’s concerning, but as long as no one reveals the location and access codes to our billionaires-only Mars colony, I think we’ll be fine,” said Elon Musk.

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Sarah Rose Sharp

Sarah Rose Sharp is a Detroit-based writer, activist, and multimedia artist. She has shown work in New York, Seattle, Columbus and Toledo, OH, and Detroit —...