Paint-stained Grindr supplicant.

Paint-stained Grindr supplicant. (photo courtesy Grossmalerman Studios)

I would first like to make it very clear that I am not writing this out of jealousy or any sort of hot gay sex envy. Alright? Now, with that out of the way.

God Damn it! Grindr is really screwing up my studio practice! Sure … at first, it all seemed harmless enough. I have no problem with my assistants engaging in a little anonymous group sex. That’s all par for the course. But is it too much to ask they get a little work done first??

I know, maybe it was me that created the problem. You see, I tend to hire gay guys to work as my painting assistants. I have my reasons. Mostly being that when gay men speak crassly about sex it’s considered charmingly shocking and a celebration of freedom but when I do it it breaks the terms of the court order that explicitly bars me from addressing any sexy sexiness in the “workplace” or within 75 feet of my personal assistant, Rachael.

Rachael!!! Officially the worst personal assistant ever!!!

Where was I? Oh yes! Grindr! So when my painting assistant Tommy first started taking long lunches and coming back refreshed from stranger-fucking to regale us with his adventures I enjoyed it as much as the rest of the crew. Sure! I would have preferred talk of little pink pussies to his intimate descriptions of the stiff cocks, red hot with promise and brimming with warm cum, that he encountered on a day to day basis. But fuck it! I’ll take my sexy time talk where I can get it! I’m smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds me. Soft little titties or fat dicks slamming bearded faces until they cum so hard it feels like your shotgunning a hot salty beer! I’m good either way! As long as somebody’s getting off and Rachael is laughing rather than tossing hot coffee on my face, neck, and chest area.

But, like a contagion sweeping the studio, before long the sound of smart phones beeping with horniness alerts obscured the kachunk! of staple guns and already-long lunches were further augmented with multiple 20 minute “smoking breaks.” The whole studio seemed suspended in a fog of erotic anticipation. It was like I worked with an army of sex zombies! Half-gessoed canvasses lined the studio wall. Dried up brushes and sandwich wrappers littered the floor. When I ran out of Phthalo Blue (Green Shade) and sent an assistant to New York Central they returned an hour later cum drained and empty handed. Hell, they stopped bothering to even button their pants anymore! When I timidly suggested we try a “Grindr free” hour my studio manager lunged at me with his mat cutter but thankfully tripped on the shoelaces he hadn’t bothered to tie. Christ to heaven!! I have a exhibition opening in Aspen in two months and I’ve completely run out of huge canvasses to paint! I have to do something! But what??? I’m not a boss! I’m an artist!

The coup de grace has now come! They’re too exhausted to even share their adventures with me. They simply sit staring dead eyed at their phones. Trousers stained with cum where once gesso happily splashed. I haven’t painted in weeks as my brush hand shakes violently with lustful expectancy. My cheeks constantly afire with flush, my loins pulsing, yearning. Are they really going to deny me this last service in return for their hourly wage? Sure! I’d personally prefer talk of swollen clits glistening with desire but Christ! what I wouldn’t give for just one more hot story of a man meeting another man he doesn’t know and then the two of them just fucking the shit out of each other!

Short of that, a gessoed canvas.

What am I going to do!? Does anyone have any suggestions???

Oh! And while we’re at it does anyone know of a decent straight Grindr? One that, you know, is on the level?

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An important presence for 30 years the painter Jonathan Grossmalerman has exhibited internationally and was included in the 1987 Whitney Biennial His controversial film “Nausea 2” recently won the...

9 replies on “Boy, Could I Use Some Studio Practice Advice”

  1. Hire me! I’ll tell you all of my hot steamy stories, but I won’t take grindr breaks during work hours!

    1. Did someone leave the gate open in heaven?? Cause there’s an angel down here on earth!! I am of course inferring that you are the angel. please help….

        1. For real? I don’t understand? For surely, as I live and breathe I must too be real. Are you ready to work for a legend?

          1. According to Schrödinger, you can be both real and not real. But I digress…
            Where do I sign up??

  2. There are many different brands of paint out there and each company usually offers a ‘student’ line and an ‘artist’ line. I would be very careful about student level paints. The reason they tend to be so inexpensive is that they have chalk and other fillers added which greatly degrades the quality and strength of the pigments. It does a great disservice to the student to learn and practice with paints that don’t give a true representation of the colour. Too many times I have had a student bring in such paints. I’ve seen some red that were so filled with chalk they came out almost pink, right out of the tube. Some companies may be getting better with this but please do take it into consideration when selecting your paints. There is no point in buying tools or materials that don’t do what they were designed to do. That will just cause frustration and not give you an accurate understanding of what each pigment can do. Some colours can get quite expensive in the artist or professional lines but generally many of the earth tones are very reasonable.

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    1. Thanks Zim Star. This is all excellent advice. But remember, if the paint is too chalky you can always select a more acidic wine. Perhaps a Riesling or even a Vinho Verde

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