Hello, I Am Melania Trump, and This Is My Official Portrait

Hello. My name is Melania, and I’m the First Lady of the United States. I had this portrait taken so that I could stand and show the world what a strong, sharp woman I am. I don’t sit when I have my picture taken, like those other first ladies, and I don’t believe in looking homely. Growing up in Slovenia, my mother was a pattern maker. She never let me wear the same dress twice, and when I pleaded with her that I was sick of having my clothes taken apart and rearranged to create new outfits, she scolded me. “Melania,” she said to me, “you must always stay one step ahead. You must always look good. Looks are all you’ve got.” In that moment, I swore to myself that I would never be homely. Now, I don’t just wear diamonds on my perfectly sculpted fingers; I eat them for breakfast.

Some people have been making a fuss lately about how much it costs to protect me while I live in New York City. They think I’m a freeloader! This portrait is here to show them that I work, and not just on the runway. There’s no chance you could see me with my arms crossed like this — just like my good friend, the billionaire Michael Bloomberg — and not think, “That’s a woman who knows what she’s doing. That’s a woman who does it herself. That woman is in charge.”

What am I in charge of? Whatever I want; I’m the First Lady. Today I’ve decided to be in charge of cyber bullying, which is why I had my photograph taken in the nursery of the Muppet Babies. Those alien creatures climbed over their crib walls and became a threat to our society. They have bullied America’s youth for too long, and I’m going to do something about it. I, Melania, will save the children. I will be their friend.

But Melania, you say, the Muppet Babies only aired on TV from 1984 to 1991. Yes, I know. That is why my portrait looks like it was taken sometime between 1984 and 1991. The first version the photographers made was too sharp; it failed to bring out my glinting eyes and my sparkling diamonds and my Slovenian cheekbones. I told them to add more vaseline to the camera lens — a trick I learned back when I was working as a model. This version is authentic, just like me.

If you look closely at my portrait, you might notice that I’m not smiling. Why aren’t I smiling? Am I not happy to be the First Lady? Yes, of course, I’m so proud of my husband, who, you should know, treats women equal. But I am not smiling in this photograph because I am thinking hard about all of my hard work. I am thinking about how I went from immigrant to First Lady, and how the perfect outfit to express that journey is my chic black work blazer paired with my black button-studded take on the pussy bow. These are the clothes of a serious American woman who might have worked sometime in the 1980s — and starting today, they can be yours. Because with this portrait I am launching my new broad-based commercial brand. It will sell clothing, shoes, accessories, and other things, all modeled by me, Melania, one of the most photographed women in the world. Through my brand, my vision of the world could also be yours. Together, with my vision and your money, we will make America look great again.