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The Whitney Museum from High Line Park (photo courtesy Shinya Suzuki’s Flickrstream)

Finally, a spot where billionaire weapons manufacturers like Warren Kanders can enjoy art away from the swarms of protesters and museum staffers calling for his removal.

During a press conference this morning, the Whitney Museum of American Art announced plans to construct a panic room for its embattled board members.

“When I told my employees in December that the museum is a safe space for unsafe ideas — I meant that literally,” explained Whitney director Adam Weinberg during a press conference. “Rich people of all types are more than welcome here; they’re invited.”

Blueprints reveal that the panic room will be built in the museum’s basement storage facilities. “After interviewing several trustees, we learned that they would feel most secure in the bowels of our cultural beast,” said the building’s architect Renzo Piano, whose firm is leading the construction project. “The atmosphere we create downstairs will resemble that of the many freeports where wealthy donors stash their personal art collections. We find that stress levels in the wealthy decrease when reminded of the preexisting tax loopholes they already benefit from.” The room will also feature a full bar stocked with the rarest liquors and a water sommelier, who will help guide guests through a long list of glacial waters.

Staffers seemed perplexed after the news was made public. “There’s something horrifically wrong when the director of a major museum equates a rich person’s discomfort with how millennials have tried to accommodate victims of post-traumatic stress,” said one employee in visitor services who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “It’s almost like the museum values money and art more than human life.”

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The Editors

The Editors divide their time between Kinshasa, Brno, Goa, and Tikrit. They are fabulous and they will always be at the party you weren't invited to.