I would like to begin by thanking Hyperallergic for allowing me to reach out to their readership about this exciting opportunity.
I, Jonathan Grossmalerman, am looking for a new studio assistant. If you recently graduated from art school and are interested in learning how to build a successful career in contemporary art you couldn’t work for a better artist. Best of all, you need know nothing more than how to stretch a canvas and slap on a coat of gesso. Bam! That’s it! How hard could it be? The rest is really just gilding the lily!
Of course it wouldn’t be a bad thing if you can do a little remedial office work and maybe answer the phone sometimes when I’m in the middle of something. If you could do those four things I would be the happiest artist in the world. And don’t worry, I’m not one of those uptight bosses. I’m more of a friend and mentor really. If you need a shoulder to cry on, cry on mine. I know what it’s like. I’ve been there too! Your twenties are a tough time and I’m happy to hold you and to stroke your luminous golden locks. I mean, if you’re into that. No pressure. You see, I’m a child of the 60’s so I tend to forget that some people have hang ups about that kind of thing. In any case, I won’t hassle you about those hideous ballet flats if you don’t freak out at me just because my bathrobe slips open on occasion. Deal?
Plus, listen, I tend to get chatty. The art world is full of drama, betrayal and sometimes, although rather less often than one would hope, murder. Is it any surprise I need to vent? I could really use someone who will just listen. Is that so much to fucking ask?! Just to listen to me? For a god damned minute?
I’m especially gabby when I’m high which I admittedly am with some regularity. And I’m not talking a laid back cannabis high but really a more horrifying cocaine and meth kind of thing which I’m considering doing something about so please spare me your judgement thank you because what I really don’t need is a moral scold okay?
So where were we?
Stretch and gesso canvas, answer phones, be open and forgiving, able to listen, not uptight.
That’s not so hard is it? Not that I would kick you out of bed for knowing how to deal with the violent dictators that make up a sizable portion of my collector base. They’ve had a bad couple of years and feel they’re due some sort of special consideration in the form of a steep discount, which they most certainly are not!
Of course, I’m big hearted and have trouble expressing this to them so I would really appreciate it if you could handle that aspect of my studio practice. Also, many of the women whose vaginas I paint are surprisingly rough characters who careen from one emotional extreme to another and stop by the studio at inopportune times making outrageous demands. That too would fall into your domain. Did I mention that I only really work at night? That’s when I really start cooking with gas! So your hours might run long. Don’t worry! I’ve got the drugs!
So contact me now and take a hold of your future. An unpaid internship this promising doesn’t come along every day!