Francisco Goya, “Witches Sabbath” (1797–98) (image via Museum of Lázaro Galdiano/Wikimedia Commons)
Aries (March 21–April 20)
James Franco is finished, Miley Cyrus sputtered out, and Shia LaBeouf has lost it. They say Brad Pitt is making breakup art with Thomas Houseago, but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to last. So, Aries, who do you think will be the next celebrity to attempt a crossover into art? This is basic water cooler conversation, so pay attention — you’ve been uncharacteristically socially awkward lately.
Taurus (April 21–May 21)
This is less of a Sol LeWitt month for you, Taurus, and more of an Ana Mendieta month. By that we mean that if you behave in an overly rational way, you will hit a wall, and not in a provocative, abstract, challenging-the-history-of-illusionistic-painting sort of way — just dull and boring. Channel Mendieta by embracing improvisation, instinct, and ephemerality, and you can’t go wrong in April.
Gemini (May 22–June 21)
We’ll admit that “Brie-oncé,” the sculpture of Beyoncé made of cheddar, was technically impressive, but it seems like just the first slice of what could be a veritable platter of art historical cheeses. A parmesan Parmigianino would be a delicious morsel to behold, as would a work by Francisco de Gouda, but there could also be some contemporary flavors, like a piece by Mozzarella Cattelan or Marilyn Muenster. Don’t be afraid to be cheesy this month, Gemini; just learn to ignore the haters, and they’ll leave you provolone.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
We can’t wait for Trenton Doyle Hancock’s Broadway musical. No, it hasn’t been announced yet or even conceived, as far as we know, but we’re certain that the epic war between the playful Mounds and the cruel Vegans depicted in his riotous paintings, drawings, and sculptures will one day make for a spectacular stage musical. The really tough question, of course, is who will play his superheroic alter ego, Torpedo Boy? Remember to always take the long view, Cancer.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Former factories and dilapidated palaces seem to be the preferred building types for the current wave of contemporary art museums, but what sorts of architectural spaces will people be turning into sleek white cubes 20 years from now? That was a rhetorical question, Leo — the answer is suburban malls. The countless abandoned malls strewn throughout suburbia will make amazing art spaces. This month you’ll need to stay a few steps ahead of current trends if you want to keep your job.
Virgo (August 23–September 23)
Remember Jacob Kassay? You’d be forgiven if you didn’t; his work is grade-A boring, and after skyrocketing to art stardom circa 2011, he disappeared from view. That’s what makes him so relevant to your current predicament, Virgo. This month, you will face adversity, but you can’t let it affect you. Keep doing what’s right for you — which, in Kassay’s case, seems to be Judd-ian architectural abstractions.
Libra (September 24–October 23)
There are so many great paintings of solitary artists toiling in their studios — we’re partial to Nicole Eisenman’s “Were Artist” (2007). But this month, Libra, you need to get out, breathe in some fresh air, and reconnect with your colleagues and community. There will be plenty of other times to hole up in your studio, navel-gaze, and make work by the light of the full moon.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22)
You’ll be faced with an acute case of a familiar problem this month, Scorpio: an abundance of inspiration and a paucity of money for materials. If you’re based in New York, we have three words for you: Materials for the Arts; if you’re based elsewhere, it’s time to get resourceful and inventive. Do you really need to paint on canvases? What about secondhand clothes or old rugs? Does your vision absolutely have to be executed in clay, or would some curbside Ikea discards do the trick? Seize the day, and the day’s trash.
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21)
You must have a retrospective coming up, Sagittarius, because this is an astrologically ideal month to realize all your long-brewing projects. Bring all your obscure work out of storage and dust it off, pursue public art commissions and crossover branding opportunities — would that sculpture make a good mass-produced toy? how would that painting look on a T-shirt? — and consider bringing a documentary film crew along for the ride. This is your moment, which means you actually need to work harder than ever before.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
Do you ever look at Shinique Smith‘s sculptures and wonder what the heck kind of form is lurking under all those layers of clothes? They can’t be clothes all the way through, can they? It’s important that you ask yourself these sorts of questions this month, Capricorn, because you’re going to meet some people who dress very colorfully and seductively, and you need to be able to see past their enticing façades to discern who will actually be good for you.
Aquarius (January 21–February 19)
The careers of artists like Marina Abramović and David Hockney span sharp generational fault lines. People who were around when they made their most arresting and pathbreaking work have a deep respect for their legacies, while younger folks who’ve only been around for their self-mythologizing and lazy later periods see them as aloof has-beens. You’ll end up in the middle of a pitched intergenerational dispute this month, Aquarius, and your ability to diffuse the situation will be dependent on recognizing the nature of the disconnect.
Pisces (February 20–March 20)
What a peculiar kind of heartbreak it must be, Pisces, to hold onto a cherished work of art for decades, to take daily pleasure in looking at it, to finally decide to part with it, and then to see it sell well below its estimate at auction. That rare mix of emotional investment and material upheaval is the closest art analogy we could find to your truly bizarre astrological forecast for April: it is highly probable you will wind up engaged or even married by the end of the month, but slightly less likely that you will be truly in love. Keep the gap between the two in mind when considering any proposals or propositions that come your way before May.
