Opinion

The Latest Sign of the Apocalypse Is Glittery Dog Testicles

Introducing the latest dog grooming trend and harbinger of nothing good.

Glitter dog balls (screen shot via Groomery Foolery on Facebook)

The fall of every empire sees a precursor of ridiculous excess. Rome had sexual depravity; Marie Antoinette had cake (and sexual depravity); and now we, the United States in Decline, have glitter dog balls (and GOD I HOPE NOT SEXUAL DEPRAVITY IN THIS SPECIFIC INSTANCE).

That’s right, the thing we definitely never needed is here at last to push us over the edge into the swirling post-Capitalist apocalypse: cosmetic enhancement of dog testicles with corn syrup and edible glitter (AGAIN I CANNOT EMPHASIZE STRONGLY ENOUGH THAT I HOPE IT IS EDIBLE ONLY FOR THE HEALTH AND SAFETY OF DOGS). This new trend was reported for Rare by Rob Fox, who presumably shortly thereafter disappeared, because this is what we’ve come to. Right behind ya, Rob.

This trend, the worst thing ever, started just like the campaign of our current and probably final President — as a terrible joke. In this case, on January 7, an image of dog-family jewels covered in blue glitter was posted on the Facebook page Groomery Foolery — a self-described “groomer humor page made by groomers, for groomers.”

The worst thing ever (Screen shot via Royal Paws Pet Salon on Facebook)
Soon after, Royal Paws Pet Salon, in North Carolina, posted the same image on its Facebook page, as an example of a thing no one should ever do. The post reads, in part:

I just thought I would let everybody know the latest creative grooming trend is glitter balls! Please know that I love doing creative but, I will NOT be doing this. Posting for your entertainment.

As this post went viral, citizens of our soon-to-be unpoliced anarchy apparently started sending death threats to Royal Paws Pet Salon and dragging them on Yelp, because they fail to understand that the salon does not perform this… service? Are we calling this a service? Let’s call it a crime against caninity. Updates to the post read:

What I’m finding very hard to comprehend is the death threats that I received my business phone that has been ringing off the hook all day with vulgar language as well as people that want to play on the phone…. I really lost my faith in people after this.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

People sometimes ask me why I have chosen to remain child-free. Depending on my mood, I might respond by pointing out that ours is a rough world to drop on a bright, new soul, for all kinds of reasons. But thanks to this new trend in canine styling, my work of explanation (which I owe NO ONE, by the way) has been made so much simpler: I don’t have children because I don’t want to live in a world where my child may one day turn to me and ask, “Mommy, why does that dog have glitter on its balls?”

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