A photo from the excavations near the Sea of Galilee (photo courtesy the Museum of the Bible)
In what could be an earth-shattering discovery that will rewrite the history books and religious texts around the world, the Museum of the Bible has discovered a recording of the Sermon on the Mount in a flowerbed near the Sea of Galilee. The discovery includes a 23-minute recording of what it claims to be Jesus not only reciting the whole sermon, but followed by a never-before-heard commentary from a combative crowd afterward, with one listener heckling Jesus with a phrase in Aramaic that translates as “manger dude.”
“This just proves that Jesus was always against the grain,” explained Joachim Nebuchadnezzar, the spokesperson for the Museum of the Bible. “This recording proves not only the veracity of the holy text, but why the Museum of the Bible deserves our nonprofit status by promoting only the most respected scholars in the field.”
The excavation was led by a team at Baylor University, which has been excavating in the region since working with the Israeli government to dispossess the Asfour farmlands near the sea.
The museum plans to place the recording online with the help of a grant from the Lakewood Church, the US’s biggest super church, and it will include teaching materials for homeschoolers and Sunday schools.
“I think this recording will prove once and for all what many of us wanted to … I mean, know to be true,” Nebuchadnezzar added.
No independent scholars would reply to Hyperallergic’s request for comment, with one academic at Ohio University simply responding with a gif of little children laughing.
Real satire: https://www.theonion.com/satan-refuses-to-accept-any-more-catholic-priests-in-he-1828696347