Satire

US Government Launches a New “Golden” Streaming Platform, Bigly

To compete with Netflix, Hulu, and other media companies, Bigly shall offer never-before-seen congressional footage, the unedited Zapruder film, and more.

President John F. Kennedy, moments before his assassination in 1963. The full video of the event will be on Bigly. (photo via Wikimedia Commons)

National Endowment for the Arts Chair Mary Anne Carter has just announced that, in an unprecedented move, the US government will be launching and operating its own dedicated entertainment streaming platform, Bigly. With the market already crowded by titans like Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, and more, Carter noted that the name had been chosen and insisted upon by President Trump to “make it stand out.”

“We are proud to be offering some of the most cutting-edge content that the terrifically charismatic members of our government can produce,” the press release explained. “Bigly aims to disrupt and radically transform the traditional means of communicating official US political information, both historical and contemporary. Operating under the advice of multiple former executives of such streaming luminaries as Yahoo! Screen, FilmStruck, Seeso, Jebba, Florkt, Stonk, Broöo, Yxudlsi, and Quibi, we are going to be making our rich archive of premium-optimized content available to all.”

This archive of content includes a rich backlog of film material not previously accessible to the public. This includes many hours of behind-the-scenes CSPAN footage, the full, previously covered up version of the infamous Zapruder Film (in which the second gunman on the grassy knoll can be seen), deleted segments from Richard Nixon’s White House audio recordings, and the much-hyped secret Russian recording of Donald Trump and several sex workers engaging in “golden shower” play in a Moscow hotel room in 2013. The “Pee Tape,” as it’s more commonly known, is one of several titles that will only be available to stream via Bigly’s premium “Gold” subscription tier.

The administration will also be funneling over $300 million into the production of original content, including a blockbuster action film starring Eric and Donald Trump Jr., a reality dating series focusing on White House staffers, a live Minecraft streaming show hosted by Barron Trump, and more. So keep an eye out for Bigly, coming soon! (As we all know, we simply haven’t been exposed to enough media by and about this administration.)

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