Responding to the cries of collectors the world over, luxury brand billionaire Bernard Arnault has released a new line of fragrances to benefit those who were forced to return looted artifacts they may or may not have known were stolen. Dozens of homes in major cities around the world are sitting mostly empty since the “woke police,” as one anonymous collector told the Wall Street Journal, came to take them away. “The person we took it from didn’t even know how much it costs, so why would we trust them to take care of it,” he added.

“I feel so naked since my favorite stone Shiva sculpture was torn out of our home by the FBI,” said Strawberry Philbrick, a collector based in West Palm Beach. “The feng shui has been a mess and I’ve zoomed with my therapist eight times this week.”

You will feel like you are in the hills of South America watching tourists commercialize your Indigenous culture right before your eyes.

Arnault says all proceeds from the sale of the six fragrances will go towards a fund called the Prodigal Son Compensation Act that will pay collectors for each item with additional payouts based on whether a state, federal, or international agency was responsible for the return, and if they left footprints on expensive carpets, fingerprints on exotic wood finishes, or other inconveniences that are above and beyond the expectations of contemporary plutocratic life.

The six perfumes highlight various archaeological and historical sites in Cambodia, Egypt, Italy, Nepal, Peru, and Zimbabwe. “You will feel like you are digging in the soil to loot the items yourself,” a representative of LMVH, Arnault’s luxury brand, explained to Hyperallergic at a press event that took place at the American Museum of National History’s Sackler Educational Lab.

Each perfume will connect you to local smells and cultures in unexpected ways. Gizeh has notes of the Nile waters, myrrh, cotton, and authoritarianism, while Adiona incorporates the smell of sweaty Italian laborers, Gucci leather belts, olive oil, and imminent governmental collapse.

The limited edition perfumes are available for purchase at for $25,000 and they will each come with a blockchain certificate and related NFT.

This olfactory experience will allow you to smell the fear of ancient Romans as Mt. Vesuvius blows.
Southern African grasses mingle with anti-Blackness left over from the colonial era in this beautiful bottle designed by artisans in Florence.
Nothing smells like cultural marginalization and thievery quite like this.
This bottled treasure is so enticing it might make you forget you have no ethics.

Hrag Vartanian is editor-in-chief and co-founder of Hyperallergic.